How Islam Addresses Mental Health

I didn’t realize that I had been suffering from mental illness between somewhere in 2013 and in 2019. Overthinking and overly anxious, at least to my understanding, fall under mental illness. Thankfully, I wasn’t that extreme. Alhamdulillah, I slept and ate well. But the negative emotions caused emotional turbulence that saw me experiencing frequent mood swing.

Feeling bittersweetness was commonplace at that time. It was difficult for me to truly at peace in a relatively long period. Usually, it was either I was too happy or was melancholic. Or, there was something to be worried about; small or big causes.

Before you continue reading this, I’d like to say that I wrote this post for those who suffer from overthinking and constant anxiety. I couldn’t talk about mental illness other than these because alhamdulillah I don’t have any serious problems with that.

Ustadz Nouman Ali Khan’s “Whisper” couldn’t come in more proper time than in November last year. How subtle Allah swt helped me at that time. He wanted me to know what was actually happening during my process of getting over a devastating heartbreak. And He did that after I had come clean. It was a priceless reward after the struggle that I had been through.

For details about Whisper, you can read my previous post here.

Mental health has been serious topics among modern people. It’s a common thing to see people who look fine on the outside but we can’t tell what’s inside their hearts or minds until they suddenly commit suicide or do terrible things we can’t think of. You may look at the example from a psychological point of view or medical aspect. But, here, I would like to share from the Quranic perspective based on what I caught from the speaker’s retelling on the story of Adam AS and satan or devil.

You will find the Qur’an addresses the most fundamental emotional issue in such a simple but on-point way. Allah swt always presents roots that if going unnoticed, they can develop into minor to severe problems. The falls of Adam and Hawa AS from heaven tells us so much about many mental problems that most of us will deal with, some have to fight very hard.

We were born responsible creatures

We lived in paradise along with the prophet Adam AS and his wife, Hawa. He was the first among us to be sent down to the earth that had been created before that. Allah swt blessed each of us with aql that allowed us choosing whether or not we were willing to carry His plan in taking care of the earth. Allah swt beforehand described what kind of life would that be. He told us that each of us would face a real enemy called satan. In addition, our ruh at that time testified that there is no God other than Allah. As we firstly tasted how mesmerizing (beyond words actually) it was being in heaven, we agreed to live on the earth.

Thus, living on the earth was by choice. We held responsible for the choice that our ruh had made. Understanding this first and foremost should uphold our dignity as responsible creatures. We take in charge every direction, decision and choice that we make every single second in our lives. Unless for calamities that are entirely out of our control, we shouldn’t blame other parties on things that don’t work in our ways. If our ruh was eager to carry Allah’s mission, why on earth should we complain over small things that don’t necessarily matter in the next hour or next year?

Indeed, Satan is the real enemy for every Muslim

I learnt the second point the hardest way. I read about this many times as I read the Qur’an but the words just slipped by. Yeah, I know that ya Allah, as if my heart wanted to say.

During the painful heartbreak, His warning couldn’t slap my face any harder. When you have a major issue in your life that’s actually when your fighting against satan is at the hardest. And I experienced that for about seven months. Ustadz Nouman said that satan will pull us in four directions; right, left, back and from the front.

The experience told me that satan did attack me from two directions; front and back. From the backside, satan whispered me on happy memories that I shared with this once special man. Satan wanted me to stay in the past for good. He didn’t want me to move on. I came to moments that mattered so much for me simply because he was there. At first, I needed to pour all my energy to fight against the temptation. Alhamdulillah, by Allah’s help, fighting against that started becoming easier to bear.

From the front, satan wanted me to question Allah’s capability to meet me with someone’s new. I often wondered whether or not my heart would love someone as I felt to the one who was getting married at that time. Uncertainty started embracing my mind and heart.

That was my personal story. I’m sure each of you has different satan attacks. Our task is recognizing when that happens then seeks Allah’s refuge from it.

Is it my fault or His plan?

In one of his videos, the ustadz said that understanding a decree can prompt us into two things. Number one refers to Allah’s plan that is beyond our control. For example, you drive carefully and follow all traffic rules but suddenly another car hits you.

There are things that are entirely our decision and blaming Allah on our problems defy our good attribute as responsible creatures. For instance, I eat sugary food and drink for 10 years then suffer diabetes. That’s all my fault who don’t want to take care of my body. Some cases, on the other hand, occur that leave us in the darkness.

For example, I wake up late for Subuh prayer. A few hours after that, I don’t pass a job interview test. Some questions may arise. Is that all because I wake up late for Subuh prayer? Or is it entirely His plan that I won’t get the job?

For the third scenario, I need to have a positive assumption to Allah swt. No leaves fall on the ground except He says so. Getting rejected by the manager of the company is a good thing for me. That’s just how Allah swt tests my faith.

So, how do we keep our mentality healthy after knowing the three basics?

Knowing Allah

Now I know why the Qur’an begins with Asmaul Husna which roughly translates as the good names of Allah swt. I am touched by how Islam starts everything with appreciation and love. Each Muslim must internalize His 99 names into their everyday activities.

Internalizing the names doesn’t stop at memorizing them. But each Muslim must reflect how each of His names has been put inside their hearts. Simply put, practice what Asmaul Husna means in our lives. For example, treasure Allah as the Al-Alim as the One who loves knowledge as you read or write. Thank Him for His blessing that drives you loving knowledge and like to study.

By practising Asmaul Husna from small things, we know Him better. The more we know Him, the more we love Him.

Loving Allah

When we love someone, our heart becomes soft and more inclined to do as that person wishes. Imagine if we can do that with Allah swt. By loving Allah swt, we feed our ruh that was once in direct contact with Him when we were in our mothers’ wombs. Ruh is different from the heart. Ruh is the most pristine part of each of us. When we die, our ruh remains alive until the Day of Resurrection. Our heart and mind can overly fall into certain sides but our ruh remains pure and clean.

Ustadz Nouman said in one of his videos that loving Allah opens the door to self-love. When we love Allah for His good qualities, so will we do with ourselves. We start appreciating our physical and emotional attributes because Allah gives them. We begin taking care of our bodies well because we have to report to Him on the Day of Judgement.

This is the kind of self-love that won’t turn you into a self-centered human being. Everything will come naturally because it derives from gratitude.

Understanding Who You Really Are

Each of us is unique. Even if you are born as identical twins, no two human beings are exactly the same. That proves His intellect as can be read in surat At-Tin. Each of us has a distinctive quality that can either be our best buddy or enemy.

As in the previous article, I wrote that planning and thinking are the tools by which I can enjoy so much in this life. If it weren’t because of the two, I couldn’t survive until today. I accept that Allah swt gives me the two qualities that can either help or destroy me.

And I believe some of you understand your strengths and weaknesses. We shouldn’t deny our strengths because they can lead us to destruction. All we have to do is knowing them then coming to Him for keeping the qualities in balance. In turn, use the strengths for spreading His words.

Taming Your Arrogance

It took years for me to eventually realize that I was arrogant. There were times when I believed that all goodness in my life was because of my own efforts. Allah knew that very well then He took one of them bit by bit. Again, I learnt His priceless lesson in the hardest way.

He needed to clean up my heart until I realized He gave me invaluable and uncountable blesses in my life. The difficult thing on understanding our arrogance is that sometimes arrogance creeps silently. We may not realize this because we don’t always underestimate others. We don’t yell at people or curse them because they are stupid or poor. But we must take notice of our mind and heart, too.

Unless you tame your arrogance, your heart won’t be opened to His words. It will still be very hard for you to practice gratitude. You will always seek satisfaction from other human beings, status or materials. Pay attention to your heart. Act immediately when it can’t feel.

Connecting Your Ruh to Allah

Our job as a human being is understanding our physical appearance, emotional unique quality and finally our ruh. To get to know our ruh, we must constantly communicate with Allah. Ustadz Nouman said that Alqur’an is the rope that connects our ruh to Him.

That makes studying and even reliving the Book plays such a pivotal role. Our ruh always requires words and advice from Allah that is well-captured in Alqur’an. When truly reliving the Book, it’s easier for us to filter and choose. Blurry lines gradually disappear. We become like the Qur’an as al furqon that is able to differentiate good and bad things then stand strict to it.

It’s not always easy to find the ruh inside ourselves. As my journey proves, I must conduct multiple layers to slowly grasp the ruh inside myself. Firstly, I must stand with justice, question many things that widely believed by society. I must thank Allah sincerely, ask for His forgiveness, admit all the mistakes and submit myself humbly.

Only then, I can start enjoying Qur’an and reliving His words. To this point, I still struggle to do all of these. Sometimes, I have to force myself to thank Him. My heart sometimes feels empty and hard. But at least I know when those things occur, satan plays big roles. It polishes my ego and I must seek rescue from Allah.

Reliving the Qur’an doesn’t mean reciting and memorizing all ayahs only. I have been trying to put the ayah into practice by looking at the sky, the sun, the stars, the cloud. My favorite is the plants and myself. The closest examination on Allah’s favor is our body. Try to count His blessings as our body functions every millisecond and find out that you can’t do that. He is extremely loving and caring. Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim.

He’s with Us All the Time

Our iman is everything. The words from the ustadz capture all things that we need in every single mental disturbance that happens in our lives. Our faith in His help will aid us during our battle against pessimism, depression and overly anxiety. Our belief in His assistance will accompany us when we feel afraid.

And my most favorite is He is with me all the time. He knows and feels what I feel when my tongue can’t speak any words about it. My feeling is valid even if no one knows it. Sometimes, believing that He knows everything is more than enough for me. Most importantly, earning His guidance is what this beautiful life is all about. Submitting with unshaken trust for Allah swt.

The Story of An Overthinker

I have been dealing a lot with overthinking. Perfectionism and over planning have been my best friend and enemy since teenage period. To date, I still wrestle with the two negative emotions but alhamdulillah they become much more manageable.

I thought planning was necessary to lead me getting what I wanted in life. Gaining good scores, securing dreamy jobs, earning a lot of salary and buying a house. To some points, that was so true. I was proud of myself as someone who gave 100% heart and mind for things that I believed was my source of happiness and success. I applauded myself for this quality. I wrote this not to show off but appreciated all the hard work that I had done in the past.

I began realizing that overthinking has been my biggest enemy somewhere in 2013. Strangely enough, my life was quite stable at that time. I had a good job and wonderful office mates. I had a 9-to-5 job that secured me with fixed working hours. Working as a journalist confronted me with uncertainty. I didn’t know when would I return home every day. The working load and pressure were much severe than when I was working as a writer staff that spent working hours inside a building.

Somehow, I worried a lot. Even small things triggered my anxiety. I frequently checked whether or not I locked the key of my wardrobe despite the fact I did lock it. From that minor things, I started doubting myself. The snowball ran to every aspect in my life until it influenced my prayer. I often doubted that my ablution or wudhu was proper. As a consequence, I repeated the wudhu that actually wasted clean water. The similar thing happened with my prayer. I unnecessarily repeated the shalat as I chased perfection in it. Performing shalat was so a scary thing to do. I began viewing Allah swt as the angry God.

The anxiety attack took its toll last year when I was in the process of getting over a very painful heartbreak. I remember when the scar was still fresh, I wanted to talk to a psychiatrist. At that time, I actually studied about Islam a lot. I reduced reading books on fiction and listening to songs. I listened to sermons by ustadz Nouman Ali Khan for about two years. But none of them helped me significantly.

My mind was still in turmoil. There was battle in mind and heart that I couldn’t explain. But the experience told me one thing. When you can’t find someone to confide in because the problem is too unbearable, it’s time to just trust Allah swt. And I did. And the result has been tremendous.

In November last year, ustadz Nouman came to Jakarta then presented a Story Night called “Whisper”. At first, I didn’t want to come because I was running out of money. So I skipped the first “Whisper” session.

Surprisingly, many people wanted the organizer of the event to hold another “Whisper” session as the speaker was still in Jakarta. The ticket of the second “Whisper” session was selling so fast. I still didn’t want to come but Allah swt changed my heart. There was a member of Nouman Ali Khan Indonesia community who offered one ticket because her friend couldn’t attend.

I contacted her shortly. I didn’t think about the saving as much as I had done before. And Masya Allah! How the session has changed my life until now. There were many gems that I am so eager to share to all of you at this blog. He shared so many precious things that opened my mind about psychological issues that I once dealt with. I wish I had known them many years ago but regardless, I am still thankful that Allah swt dragged my feet to the event.

Insya Allah I am going to dedicate another post about how Islam perceives mental health in the following post. In the meantime, thank you very much for reading this post.

Merangkul Pengetahuan Lebih Erat di Zaman Kecerdasan Buatan

Era membludaknya informasi saat ini memberikan saya perasaan baru yang cukup menyeramkan. Saya mesti bekerja keras menjadi seorang pembaca. Begitu banyak informasi yang ada di genggaman membuat saya malah bingung mana yang bisa saya resapi lama. Terlebih di media sosial dimana siapa saja seolah berlomba-lomba menjadi yang pertama. Tak perlu rasanya menghitung berapa banyak peristiwa yang malah berubah menjadi ajang persaingan berita palsu. Masih segar di ingatan saat gempita Pemilihan Presiden 2019 yang “memakan” korban beberapa orang merasakan dinginnya jeruji besi karena ujaran kebencian atau berita bohong yang mereka sebarkan.

Saya ingat waktu kuliah dosen pembimbing skripsi saya pernah mewanti-wanti dampak negatif angka. Dunia yang semakin terindustrialisasi akan membuat orang begitu terobsesi dengan statistik. Berselang 10an tahun, prediksi beliau terbukti. Istilah klik bait, jumlah pemirsa hingga viralitas menjadi tolok ukur kehebatan sebuah tulisan, validitas pencapaian hingga integritas sebagai seorang manusia.

Terlebih dengan adanya kecerdasan buatan, seolah nilai kita tak lebih dari konsumen dari beberapa korporasi besar. Mereka mengandalkan kecerdasan buatan untuk membuat waktu kita terbuang sia-sia menggunakan produk mereka. Sebegitu menggiurkan iming-iming angka sehingga kita mulai menganggap harga diri kita tak lebih dari sekian puluh, ratus atau ribu jempol hingga komentar.

Itu lebih cocok di dunia media sosial. Lalu bagaimana dengan pengaruh kecerdasan buatan bagi dunia pengetahuan? Atas nama algoritma, kita lebih sering melihat artikel tertentu muncul di sejumlah situs karena mendulang banyak klik. Semakin banyak dibaca, kemungkinan besar Anda  akan membaca artikel sejenis. Kecuali Anda kurang kerjaan barulah Anda akan menemukan artikel berbobot yang mendekam di timbunan tulisan “layak klik”.

Jangan pernah menyalahkan kecerdasan buatan jika Anda merasa rentang konsentrasi Anda dalam membaca semakin pendek. Alihkan telunjuk Anda dari mesin pembelajaran atau teknologi atas otak Anda yang terasa semakin manja, seolah malas diajak bekerja ekstra keras.

Walau tidak sampai mencapai titik ingin muntah, saya pernah berada di poin dimana rasanya otak ini tak lagi sanggup mengikuti yang sedang panas di media. Otak saya pernah meronta kelelahan dengan banyak tab di komputer yang melambai agar saya membaca tulisan di sana.

Tak jarang saya mengutuk kebiasaaan saya yang suka membaca sebab ada momen dimana hobi saya ini begitu menyiksa. Di zaman serba melek informasi seperti sekarang, hobi membaca saya seolah menjadi. Pada gilirannya, otak saya mulai terpaksa memilah dan memilih. Aneka tulisan dengan judul bombastis mulai memuakkan. Rentetan pujian dan hinaan atas suatu peristiwa tak lagi terasa menyengat.

Hingga akhirnya, saya kembali ke buku fisik. Saya kembali ke kebiasaan membaca konvensional yang memaksa saya untuk hanya fokus ke situ. Saya merindukan duduk di bus atau KRL dengan membaca sambil menunggu kemacetan terurai. Setelah beberapa lama menekuninya kembali, saya malah merasa ditarik ke masa lalu. Saya ingin mengaplikasikan apa yang saya baca dengan kenyataan sesungguhnya.

Saya belajar untuk melakukan tadabbur alam dimana di situ saya belajar mengagumi ayat-ayat dari Allah swt. Favorit saya adalah langit, bulan, pohon, bunga liar dan awan. Walau kesemuanya terlihat mirip tetapi saya selalu takjub hati ini merasa segar tiap kali menatap mereka satu per satu.

Saya merasa merangkul ciptaan-Nya melalui indera mata secara langsung menyegarkan jiwa saya. Saya merasa jiwa anak kecil saya kembali hidup. Saya merasa bergairah kembali dalam belajar sebagai murid-Nya yang ingin menjadi pembelajar sejati. Bukan belajar untuk meraih angka, sanjungan hingga komentar dari orang lain.

Setiap kali melihat pohon, misalnya, saya kagum ada dahan yang berwarna hijau tua, hijau muda bahkan kuning. Saya teringat dengan pelajaran Biologi saat masih remaja yang tentu saja saya sudah lupa apa kata ibu guru saya saat itu. Melihat langsung ciptaan-Nya mendudukkan kembali saya sebagai murid yang harus rendah hati. Bahwa saya hanyalah penerima ilmu dari Allah swt sebagai Yang Maha Kaya. Setiap kali melatih diri seperti ini, saya merasa segala ego saya yang selama ini bercokol perlahan sirna. Tiada keinginan mencari panggung di hadapan manusia yang memuji saya orang pintar.

Dan Masya Allah, saya tak perlu ragu dan cemas sekarang mesti berjibaku melawan kecerdasan buatan yang seolah melahap lahan penghidupan banyak orang. Karena buat saya, belajar tak perlu dimaknai sebagai persaingan atau semata urusan mencari uang. Belajar itu buat hidup yang bila dipadukan dengan segenap cinta dan syukur, kita bisa bahagia dan merasa cukup.

 

The Ultimate Key of Loving Ourselves

If there is one person we will find it so hard to love, it may be ourselves. We can give best advice to siblings or friends. We can spend hours counselling them. It’s easy to talk nicely when they face tough time. We don’t mind staying behind them and patting their backs. We are around them when they need supporters. Through thick and thin, we may say so.

At least in my own experience, I can’t do those things for myself as easily as I do to my friends or my sister. I always have something to complain about myself. When mornings come, sometimes a mirror that stands across my bed becomes the thing I mostly avoid. The wrinkles on my forehead, the black spots all over my face or acne scars that stain my face. Or increasing grey hairs that clearly show up whenever I look at myself in the mirror.

As you grow older, you can’t deny the fact that all those youthful signs are no longer there. You can’t escape your body is getting weaker and uglier, physically. Some months ago, whenever I came to realize the facts, I turned my attention to pricey creams, makeups or fancy dresses to fake my actual age. My favourite one was an eye cream because I was ashamed with black, dark circles around my eyes. I changed some eye creams, from an eyeroll to eye cream. I applied the factory-made product and natural one alternately. There were moments when I cursed the black circles. I got irritated when some friends directly talked about the black circles once we met. They advised me to get enough sleep and avoid excessive working.

I told them that I sleep well every night and not everyday is about overtime working. I wish I could explain to them that the dark circles prove that I did work super hard when I was a university student and some years that followed. What else could I do other than that? I had to work hard to survive for myself and my family. I was a breadwinner at that time. And working as a junior journalist was very difficult for me. Lack of sleeping and incessant thinking were my best buddies on a daily basis. I passed all the storms but, of course, they came with a hefty price.

I had no time to take care my physical appearance and the most apparent sign appears from my eyes. There were moments when I felt unconfident with my eyes, especially when meeting with some special people. I kept trying to fix the dark circles until I realized it was like chasing after my own tail. Yes, some products reduced the blackness level of the dark circles but that didn’t last long.

I thank Allah swt that He gave me much difficult problems than dealing with the dark circles. As I repeatedly shared in this blog, passing through a devastating heartbreak last year then making peace with the scars gives me priceless lessons I hadn’t expected.

I have come up clean, peaceful and stronger than ever. After four months of intense emotional earthquake, I realized one precious lesson. That indeed there came easiness amidst our difficulties. During those troublesome moments, it was only Him who stood beside me. It was only Allah swt who consoled me, strengthened and motivated me to keep going no matter what. Indeed, if you ask me how did I survive through it all? I would answer that I don’t know how. I went through the days doing what I needed to do. I took care of my body and my heart. Most of the days, those things didn’t come in handy. I had to drag my feet coming to Gelora Bung Karno stadium, for example. I had to fight temptations for reading or working. Whenever I managed doing so, I felt so relieved. I realized that it was His help that guided me through it all. He made things easy although I had to fight utmost for around four months.

And through the heartbreaks, I felt so close to Him. I felt how much He loved me and wanted nothing but good things for me. His love was extremely and incredibly genuine and immeasurable. Bit by bit, I attempted to love Him back although that won’t ever pay Him what He has done for me.

As I started doing so, I became softer to myself. I realized how harsh I had been to myself. I put too much burden upon my shoulders. I didn’t thank myself enough for all hard efforts that we did in every single aspect of our life. I beat myself down too frequently.

This wasn’t the first time I tried to love myself. Somewhere in 2012, I firstly came across to practice this self-love. But I didn’t start it off by thanking let alone loving Him. This turned me into a very selfish human being. I applied the me-myself-and-I motto then the result was agonizing.

After the efforts of loving Him back did I know how harmful can a baseless self-love be. Only by putting His affection above else then I understand a self-love is as wonderful and amazing thing I can do to myself. There are no things as feeling guilty or too-much provided that I can put it in a good balance.

For sure, thanking Allah swt is the door for unstoppable, best love we can give to ourselves. That way brings back our perspective that He is the Source of all genuine love. That He takes care our body and mind and how can we betray His trust?

Fulfilling His trust He bestows upon us is actually His invitation to love ourselves.

Harus Berhenti Menjadi Pengemis “Terima Kasih”

Saat kamu memutuskan menjadi manusia yang lebih baik, godaan akan terasa sangat nyata. Seperti ada mata batin yang terbuka lebar mengerumuni dirimu tatkala kamu ingin memperbaiki ucapanmu, perbuatanmu, hingga pikiranmu.

Aku bersyukur sekali Allah swt menekankan keseimbangan. Bahkan dalam hal beribadah, Rosulullah Muhammad swt menjadi contoh bagaimana setiap perbuatan dan pemikirannya mencerminkan Islam yang teramat sangat menekankan keadilan. Tak mengherankan beliau bisa menjaga keseimbangan antara dakwah, keluarga hingga kesehatannya. Mengapa? Karena beliau sangat memahami arti ibadah yang sesungguhnya, Islam yang menyeluruh seperti apa. Bahwa beribadah bukan hanya saat sholat atau berpuasa.

Aku belajar banyak tentang seimbang berbuat baik, terutama dalam beberapa tahun terakhir. Dari kecil aku memang mempunyai empati yang tinggi. Bahkan terkadang terlampau tinggi sampai aku terlalu banyak memikirkan orang lain. Sebagai contoh, jika melihat ada penjual di jalan, usia berapa pun, aku bisa terpikirkan bagaimana jika jualan mereka nggak laku. Terkadang aku beli, jika ada uang. Tapi lebih sering aku hanya bisa berdoa dalam hati sebab banyak dari barang yang mereka jual aku tidak butuh. Belum lagi aku takut nanti menjadi mubazir.

Berhenti dulu melanjutkan membaca ini. Aku menulis ini bukan untuk sombong atau apa. Aku berbuat baik karena aku (akhirnya) memahami karena Allah swt yang memampukan aku. Berbuat baik adalah fitrah setiap orang. Setiap bayi dilahirkan suci. Setiap manusia menyukai kebaikan. Ada kebahagiaan setiap kali menolong orang lain. Itu menggugurkan dosa, memercikkan air segar di relung hati terdalam. Jadi bahwa aku berbuat baik sebenarnya aku berbuat adil buat diriku sendiri. Berbuat baik itu buatku sendiri bukan buat orang lain. Jika tidak percaya, coba saja!

Aku pernah merasa “terbebani” berbuat baik. Sampai sekarang masih demikian. Dan Masya Allah betapa Allah swt mengajarkanku aku sangat jauh dari sempurna. Bahwa sekali lagi, berbuat baik pun membutuhkan prioritas dan ukuran yang pas, menurut-Nya.

Hampir lima tahun aku bergabung dengan Ketimbang Ngemis Jakarta. Jika teman-teman belum pernah mendengar komunitas ini, silahkan mengunjungi situs kami ini. KNJ ini komunitas yang “aku banget”. Sudah lama aku mendamba aktif di organisasi yang fokus dengan lansia yang menolak mengemis. Mereka berusia lanjut yang tetap gigih mencari nafkah dengan menjual barang atau jasa.

Aku yang dulu paling malas bergaul di organisasi mendadak sangat bersemangat di sini. Aku menemukan keluarga baru dari orang yang awalnya sama sekali asing. Tetapi ada sisi gelap lain yang perlahan menemukan “panggung”, besar dan semakin membesar hingga akhirnya membuatku celaka sendiri.

Sisi gelap itu bernama kesombongan. Di KNJ, teman-teman mempercayakanku sebagai sekretaris lalu penasehat hingga sekarang. Aku yang paling menghindari popularitas pelan-pelan menjadi orang yang berpengaruh. Terlebih karena aku termasuk yang tua dan senior. Menjadilah segala keangkuhan di dalam dada.

Aku mulai marah jika tak ada teman di grup LINE yang merespons informasi yang aku bagikan. Aku berubah jengkel jika di grup tertentu aku mengatakan sesuatu tetapi hanya berakhir dengan status “dibaca” saja. Aku gampang sekali berprasangka buruk dengan teman-temanku. Aku selalu mengira diriku yang paling mulia.

Walau aku jarang mengeluh tetapi Allah swt tahu benar aku sangat terluka oleh ekspektasiku sendiri. Aku sangat kecewa mengapa mereka begini dan begitu padahal kami satu visi dalam komunitas ini. Aku tak sadar setan sangat lihai memoles egoku. Alhamdulillah, akhirnya aku sadar hikmah dari ini semua. Bahwa aku hanya bisa berbuat semampuku. Mengharap balasan dari orang lain itu hanya akan membuat kita stres sendiri. Sungguh menjadi orang ikhlas itu sulit. Ujian pujian dan kekuasaan itu sangat berat. Setelah cukup bisa mengatasi ujian tersebut, muncul ujian berikutnya. Kali ini lebih berat.

Sementara di KNJ aku sering bertemu langsung dengan teman-teman, aku tertolong dengan sikap kami saat bertatap muka langsung. Segala prasangka buruk saat komunikasi online sirna saat kami berbincang langsung yang selalu menyenangkan dan menemukan solusi setiap ada masalah.

Tahun lalu, tepatnya akhir 2019, aku aktif di komunitas lain. Kali ini murni 100% online. Kami belum pernah bertemu secara langsung, setidaknya aku belum pernah bertemu dengan mereka. Aku sudah meniatkan diri ingin berbuat baik dengan membantu menerjemahkan video hingga teks.

Tetap saja setan lihai mengusik niat baikku ini. Padahal aku berbuat baik itu pun semata karena ingin berterima kasih atas bantuan dari Allah swt atas ujian patah hati yang telah aku lalui dengan selamat.

Aku mulai menunggu pengakuan dari anggota komunitas tersebut. Sekadar terima kasih atau apresiasi apa. Memalukan ya? Aku ingin memperoleh pengakuan sama seperti dengan mereka yang berbagi catatan atau rangkuman dakwah. Menerjemahkan itu sulit loh. Beda banget dengan hasil Google Translate.

Picik sekali diriku ini. Otak dan hatiku memang murni pedagang yang hanya memikirkan untung dan rugi. Lagi-lagi Allah swt mengajarkanku sangat sulit menjadi orang yang ikhlas dan mengharap apa-apa hanya dari Dia sebagai yang Maha Adil. Alhamdulillah, Dia selalu mengingatkanku tentang bahaya setan dari depan sebagaimana pernah dibahas oleh ustadz Nouman Ali Khan.

Alasanku menulis ini adalah berbagi pengalaman bahwa sombong dalam berbuat baik bisa membuat kita lupa diri. Mudah menghakimi orang lain lalu menganggap diri kita paling benar. Padahal siapa tahu, mereka mendoakan kita diam-diam tanpa memberitahukan ke kita langsung. Siapa tahu juga mereka sedang sibuk atau sakit hingga cuek dengan chat dari kita dan sebagainya. Pada akhirnya kita juga harus bersimpati dan peka dengan kondisi orang lain.

Akhirnya, aku selalu mengingatkan diri untuk banyak mengenali serangan setan dari arah depan ini. Sambil belajar mengabaikan jika rasa sombong itu mulai menghinggapi. Sekarang baru ingat ada pepatah lama yang bilang agar jangan kita sibuk mengingat kebaikan kita.

Itu bener banget.