Questioning My Self-Worthiness in the Age of Materialism

Being half-unemployed for just a few weeks teaches me a lot about dignity and self-worthiness. In today’s age of materialism, I couldn’t help feeling discouraged when the first three weeks of November saw me with so little money to make within that period. I couldn’t rely on some freelancing jobs that I had been doing for six months anymore.

I felt so powerless with the condition. Worse, I had little money left in the bank. I applied for full-time, part-time and freelance jobs but to no avail. I still remember I woke up feeling so confused without knowing what to do in those days. I waited for afternoons to arrive because those were the times when I left the room that I have been rented. I jogged around Gelora Bung Karno stadium that is located nearby the room.

Weekdays felt as if it were weekends. I felt useless, especially during weekdays when people were working. At least they were doing productive things that earned them money, so I thought.

During the hard time, I prayed a lot to Alloh swt to not letting the unemployment period tainted my self-confidence. His plan was miraculous. He tested me all the time. He opened my provision through doors that I disliked. The door was teaching English private lessons.

I have a mixed feeling with teaching. I always avoided teaching English Language whenever I could. I felt I didn’t have any skills to teach. I can’t speak fluently in the English Language, let alone for sharing knowledge about the language. But I had no choice. Earning money from content writing or translating hit rock bottom. So, I made a profile through Superprof.com, an online platform that brings together private teachers and students.

I still pinned hopes on the writing of translating, though. The two have been the comfort zones that I don’t want to leave. I didn’t share my profile in Superprof because I deeply wanted to work as a content writer or translator. He had another plan for me. Without any self-promotion, He sent me students after students. I didn’t have to work on the marketing side.

With a bit of self-enforcement, I took them as my students. Little by little, I overcame all fears and discomfort in teaching the English Language. Even so, the money that I earned was insufficient. Another question on self-worthiness arose.

Plenty of spare time remained exist. I was caught up in confusion again. In one of the overly spare times, I got a message from a man who later introduced me to his company. The man asked for my help to teach the company staffs on the English Language. I went to the office. I met him and his boss. Little did I know that his boss would offer me a job as a content writer and an English trainer at the company.

I didn’t say “yes” at that time. But I returned home feeling enthusiastic. The next day, I said “yes” to the offer. I had been looking for a full-time job for quite a while. I couldn’t stand of working all alone in the room anymore. I needed fellow officemates whom I could talk to every day.

Upon hearing the boss’s announcement that I would work as a copywriter, I began studying on the subject. I have been working as a writer for a long time but I haven’t tried as a copywriter. Hence, I read a lot on the role. To my own surprise, I was happy in studying the role. I took notes about the job. I was excited.

At the same time, I revisited grammar lessons because I had to teach students. It was like coming back to where the love for English Language started. A bit challenging but exciting at once. One thing for sure that I learnt: how much I missed knowledge.

How much I longed for studying again, just for the sake of studying. Coincidentally, the short Arabic Language program started. Although I struggled to memorize Arabic words, I was super happy every time I finished the course every night. My mind did the utmost exercise that I had let it idle for a long time.

By the time I am writing the post, Alhamdulillahirobbil’alamin I got the job. I have joined the company since the beginning of December 2019. I have amazing officemates who are very kind and amusing. I can’t thank Alloh swt for what he has blessed me with the job.

It’s easy to underestimate our value as a human being when things get tough. We will question whether or not we fail as a human being when no job and money are on our hands. Add to that, our efforts on changing our conditions see no results immediately.

The difficult moment, however, can pave a way for embracing our other self, or our love upon something that enlightens our journey. The thing that is pure and genuine. The thing that deals not only with money. For me, that’s knowledge. If I were not in the unemployment period, I wouldn’t have known I still have so many things to do in this life that benefit me and others. Always, always respect intermezzo and spare time. That’s when Alloh swt prepares you with something awakening that doesn’t necessarily new at all.

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